44-04-20_The_Palmer_Method.txt

Roma Wines present. Suspense! Roma Wines, made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. Salud! Your health, senor. Roma Wines toast the world. The wine for your table is Roma Wines. Made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. This is the man in black here for the Roma Wine Company of Fresno, California, to introduce this weekly half hour of suspense. Tonight from Hollywood, Roma Wines bring you a star, Mr. Ed Gardner, better known to you perhaps as Archie, the proprietor of Duffy's Tavern, where the elite are wont to meet to eat. Mr. Gardner tonight makes his debut as a dramatic actor. He will not appear tonight as Archie, but in a role entirely different from any he has ever played before. And so, with the suspense play called The Palmer Method, and with the performance of Ed Gardner as a pen pushing gentleman named Joe Palmer, we again hope to keep you in suspense. Then I will be back at 8 o'clock. Okay, that'll be okay. You will be waiting for me? Oh, don't worry, baby. I'll be here. Oh, brother, will I be here? Oh, brother. Dear friend Harry, I'm sitting here the last ten minutes knocking myself out laughing and wishing for somebody to tell it to. And then I get to thinking of you, so I'm hereby going to write you the whole story. Harry, you've got to admit that yours truly is one smart guy, because in about an hour, they're going to bring me so much dough they've got to bring it in a suitcase. No kidding. Of course, it's this Spanish moolah, but even in the United States, it comes to about ten grand. But I think I better start from the beginning so that you can get the whole play. And if you don't say that your old pal is one smart guy, I am a monkey's uncle, which I'm strictly not. Anyways, it all begins about four months ago in New York when I'm on a lamb and I'm expecting that heavy hand to fall on my shoulders any minute. I'm trying to think of something to do about it. It happens that I'm down to about three bucks, which makes thinking a very tough proposition, even for a bright guy like me. Well, anyways, things being what they are, I naturally only go out at night. So. One night I'm walking through the park in Union Square, but I'm still thinking, not getting very far. Election extra here. FBI frail end line. Landon swamped in 46 states. Election extra here. Paper, mister? Huh? Want a paper? Latest election returns. What election? Are you kidding? The election for president. Roosevelt and Landon. Here, get a paper and wise up. For a punk kid like you, I should get all excited every day. Time they have an election? Well, it wouldn't strain your mind, none. They only happen once every four years. Eh, don't be such a wise kid. You want a paper or don't you? Eh, sure. Give me one. Here, keep the chain. Oh, gee, thanks. And leave that be a lesson to you not to get wise with guys that might do you some good someday. Well, thanks anyway. Now, what am I going to do with this thing? That's why we are calling for volunteers to help the heroic Spanish people in their fight against fascism. If the fascism of Hitler and Mussolini is allowed to triumph in Spain, it'll overrun all Europe. And once democracy is crushed in Europe, it won't be long before democracy is in place here in the United States. Yeah, yeah. What's that guy all wound up about? He's asking for volunteers for the Spanish Loyalist Army. Oh, uh, who are they fighting? What's the matter? Once you read the papers, they're fighting a fascist revolt. Listen, I got a paper here. You'd think I'm aware of it? I just get kind of mixed up sometimes. Yeah, they put out a lot of propaganda to confuse you, but with Hitler and Mussolini on Franco's side, anybody can see what the score is now. Oh, sure. Anybody. Look at that. Fascist bomb Madrid. I just wish sometimes I didn't have a wife and kids. I'd go over there and give me a couple of licks at those guys. Over to Spain, huh? Yeah. They send you over there, buy you a ticket and all like that? Sure. They pay for your transportation. They raise quite a lot of money for that. Hmm. You, uh, you don't know where you sign up for this army, do you? He'll sign you up right there. Hey, do you want to go? Hmm. Could be. Yeah, why not? Why not? Why not? You get the play, Harry? Not so dumb, huh? I not only lay him out of the country till I cool off, but I get a free ticket. It's what I always say, Harry. A guy with real brains can always get by. Of course, I know strictly from nothing about this war, but I naturally figure it's one of them tango revolutions like you see in the movies with a couple of guys riding around shooting off their rods at nothing in particular, and pretty soon everybody goes home. But sometimes I wish I had read the front part of the papers a little more at that, because when I get off the boat at Spain, at a burg by the name of Barcelona, I find out this ain't such a funny war after all. This fascist mob is really not going to join around. There's shooting going on, they're dropping bombs from airplanes, and the next thing you know, they got me in a uniform. So I'm standing there at the railroad station with a bunch of other guys, a whole mob of us. It looked like the $2 one at Belmont. Seems we're going away somewhere on a Next, step up here, please. Next, your name, please? Padway, George Padway. You're number 336, car 7, compartment 3. Next, please, step up here. Palmer, Joe Palmer. How did you spell it, please? P A L M E R, like the Palmer method. Oh, Jay, it's Palmer. You are 337, please, car 7, compartment 3, with Padway. Next, step up, please. Hey, you, Padway. Someone calling me? Yeah, look, my name is Joe Palmer. Palmer, we're supposed to ride in the same compartment or something? Oh, splendid. Car 7. It's down this way, I imagine. Oh, Glenn, you know I can't make head or tail out of these stinky rattlers. Well, of course, you're American, aren't you? What else? Here, let me give you a hand with your gear. Oh. Thanks. Hey, these guys take this war pretty serious, don't they? Well, rather. What did you expect? Yeah, yeah. From what I see around this Barcelona, it looks to me like if they ain't careful, somebody's apt to liable to get killed. Well, if you think this is bad, what about Madrid? They're dying up there by the thousands. Yeah. What? Madrid? Ain't that where this train is going? Well, of course. They're sending us up to keep him out of University City if we can. And you say they're getting knocked off by the thousands? Afraid so. Hmm. That ain't good. Not worried, are you, old man? Oh, no. No. I was just thinking that, you know, that. Papers, please. Señores, papers, please. Bueno, pathway 336. No, no. I'm. You are Palmer, 336. No, no, no. All in order. Wait a minute. You got us mixed. Of course! Well, how do you like that? Ha! Seem to have us mixed, what? Yeah. That would be funny, wouldn't it, if they got us mixed up? You, Padway, and me, Pom. Yeah. Yeah, that would be funny, all right. That would be very funny. Tonight, for Suspense, Roma Wines bring you as star radio's famous Archie, Ed Gardner, whom you have heard in the prologue to The Palmer Method by Ernest Martin and Robert L. Richards. Tonight's adventure in Suspense. In this brief intermission in the play, let us journey in fancy to Havana and sit at a table in the gay restaurant Paris. At the next table, we see a farewell party given for an American visitor. The American is wondering how he'll be able to repay in his own country the hospitality shown him in Cuba. Reassuringly, his Cuban host remarks Es muy fácil, amigo. Just be sure to serve wonderful Roma wine. It is wine imported by us. From your own country, Roma wines. Indeed, Americans can well be proud that judges of fine wines in so many lands now acclaim the wines of California among the world's most enjoyable of all time. Of these truly superb wines, Roma wines are America's largest selling wines. If you aren't already one of the millions enjoying Roma wines regularly as a delicious beverage anytime, to add sparkle to any meal, to smarten your entertaining, make your own taste test to choose your favorite. Choosing from Roma wines many different wine types. When you learn their modest cost here in America, with no import duty to pay, no expensive shipping charges to absorb, you'll know why we say Roma wines are for your daily enjoyment. I'll spell out the name for you R O M A, Roma wines, made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. And now let us return to Joe Palmer as he sits in a hotel room in Spain writing a letter. Gardner is our star in the Palmer Method. A tale well calculated to keep you in suspense. Well, Harry, there I was. On a train heading straight for Madrid where they're knocking off guys every five minutes, which is naturally a little upsetting to a sensitive person like myself. Anyways, I get to thinking about this Padway guy I'm riding with, and. I can see there's something different about him. Different from the rest of these guys. So I get to thinking about a plan. I say, what in the world are you doing there? You've been working away at it the last half an hour. Me? I'm just practicing. Practicing what? The Palmer Method. What in heaven's name is the Palmer Method? You never heard of the Palmer Method? Huh? It's penmanship. The way they learned you to write when you were a kid. Some guy named Palmer invented it. See? Make these ovals and lines. Pretty soon it winds you how to use your whole arm. See? Makes you writing very pretty. Well, aren't you a little old for that sort of thing? Well, it depends on how you look at it. With me, it's a business. Oh, you're an instructor in penmanship? Yeah, yeah, that's it. Instructor in penmanship. What's so funny? Look, when I'm a punk kid in PS4, the only subject I can pass is penmanship. See? I'm a wizard, this Palmer method. So, naturally, me name being Palmer and all, it kind of makes it a standing joke, you know? Kids that all holler. Joe Palmer, he flunks in everything but writing. That's the Palmer method. I see. Yeah, that's how it started. But now I still like to keep in practice, because, well, like I say, by this time, with me, it's a business. Listen, I still don't quite see how it can be much of a business. You ask a lot of questions, don't you? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, old man. I don't mean to pry, you know. Oh, it's okay. What about you? Me? Yeah. How about me asking you a couple of questions? Why, of course. Anything you like. You're English, eh? That's right. Yeah, I could tell that right away. Really? Hmm. You'd also tell that you're not exactly a stumble bum. I bet your old man is in the chips, huh? You mean wealthy? Matter of fact, he is rather. Maybe even a lord or something? No, nothing like that. You know, lesser nobility. Hmm. I thought so. Big shot, huh? You ever been to this Madrid before? No, never have. You know anybody there? Not a soul, as a matter of fact. Hmm. At it again, I see. I say, you know, you never did tell me about that Palmer business. You mean how come it's a business with me? Mm hmm. I write checks. Write checks. Yeah, with other people's names on them. I might add that I'm about the top man in the profession. Oh, you're a. I guess they call it the same thing in England, don't they? Forgery. Yeah, I told him. So what? He doesn't know nobody in this Madrid. And I figure he ain't going to say much about me anyway, because I got my plans all laid out now. Although I still don't know quite how I'm going to do it. But then I get one of them breaks, Harry. Even a smart guy needs some time. By this time, it's night, and we're rattling along with the lights out, blacked in the inside of a nickel cigar, and I wait to see if maybe Padway will go to sleep or something. Next thing I know, I must have dozed off myself. You dropped something, Palmer? No, I thought you did. No. Well, oh, hello. We must be getting into Madrid. Oh, Madrid, huh? Sure enough. Pulling into the station now. Oh, that's great. That's fine, huh? I say, old boy, you look a bit peeking. Anything wrong? Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine. Hey, hey, what was that? It's a bomb, most likely. A bomb? That's it, all right. Bombing the city, I suppose. Hey, hey, hey, they ain't gonna bomb us, are they? By Jove, I think they are. Well, what do we do, Padway? What do we do now? What do we do? Keep down on the floor and hope for the best. Oh, the best better be awful good. This is a bit ironic, I must say. Uh-uh, watch out for this one. Padway! Padway! Honest, Harry. What happens to that train should happen to Sing Sing Prison. I look around this padway over by the door, out like a light. And I can see he ain't long for this world, the poor guy. Me, I'm lucky I don't have a scratch on me. So, naturally, now is when I go to work. I go through his pockets and take out his papers. There's a passport, some letters, and a wallet with quite a bit of donuts. And I take a A couple of things I got out of my own pockets and I put them in his. Only just then, Padway starts coming out of it. Well, Harry, what would you do if you're me? Like I say, I'm opposed to violence as much as the next guy. But there he is, looking at me. And the guy ain't gonna live very long anyway, maybe. So, I grab my rifle and I top him on the noggin. And sure enough, he's gone again. But for good this time. And not none too soon, because there's some guys coming to the rescue. One of the guys. Close his head in my door. Come again? You're all right in here? I guess so. What happened? Don't you know? You're lucky to be alive. Yeah, I know, but this guy wasn't so lucky. Huh? Oh. He's dead all right. Do you know him? Yeah, I know him, but I forget what name he told me. He's got his papers on him, I guess. Oh, let me see here. Oh, yeah. Joseph. Oh, yeah, yeah, that was it. I remember now, Palmer, yeah, yeah. Poor fellow. Well, he died in a good cause. Yeah, yeah, you're right there, brother. He certainly died in a good cause. You get it, Harry? Joe Palmer, who's wanted by the New York cops, is dead, and George Padway, the big shot Englishman, is me. So, I duck out quick to a hotel and I get me a change of clothes, and I figure I better take a look through the rest of Padway stuff to maybe get an angle. Well, I find this letter on him from some guy named E. Valenco. The letter says Valenco looks forward to meeting Padway and names a time and a place. Now, anybody else, Harry, this letter might have been through for a loss, but not me. Because I know Valenco has never seen Padway. The letter practically says that, and Padway has told me he doesn't know nobody in Madrid. You catch on? And I figure this Velancos is probably just the guy to get me out of this army. So what do I do? I simply take my pen in hand and I write a letter. Nice and neat. In George Padway's handwriting. Dear Velancos, I says, I will likewise look forward to meeting you at the time and place you say. Signed, George Padway. Well, the next night I go out to keep the date. No fooling, Harry, this Madrid is really in tough shape since this fashion. Outfit has been given at the business. The people are all poor and hungry, especially the women and kids, so naturally I feel pretty sorry for them as I brush them off and walk into this night spot. I take a corner table and I tell the waiter I'm expecting a Mr. Volancos. Well, I'm sitting there practicing with my pen and pencil and making lines and circles, and next thing you know, I ain't alone no more. Hello. Oh. Oh, Tuts wants cooking. What are you doing? Oh, just practicing. What is it? A secret coat? Yeah, yeah, that's right. The Palmer coat. I like it. It's pretty. You ain't so unpretty yourself, babe. Only, I got a little business tonight. Oh, but aren't you going to ask me to have a drink? Yeah, but, uh, wait a minute. How about getting out of here and going someplace elsewhere, huh? What about your business? Well, with a babe like you around, I'm afraid the business will have to wait. Well, where shall we go? Uh, how about, uh,. About going up to my hotel room. You mean room 359? Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. How do you know? What is your name, senor? George Padway. So what? You are well known, senor. Well, certainly, but. My name is Elena. Well, that's fine, Elena, but now I. My last name is Villancos. Villancos? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. Oh, no. No, I do not think so, senor. So you're the Villancos I'm supposed to meet here. Well, in that case, Elena, just call me George. George. Of course, George. Now I think perhaps we had better go to that hotel room of yours after all, huh? I, uh, yeah, sure. Good idea. There is one thing I cannot wait to do. Yeah? What's that? Congratulate you. Well, thanks. What? Why, for that troop train job, of course. Oh, well, it was nothing, really. But there is still something I do not understand. What's that, baby? How did you manage to blow it up while you yourself were on it? Huh? Uh, well, uh,. Look, let's go up to the room. We'll talk the whole thing over. But, George, you still have not told me how you blew up the train and did not get killed yourself. Well, do I have to tell you everything? Perhaps that is why you are so successful, huh? You have your little secrets? Trade secrets. You know, there are secrets in every trade. But, of course, I forget you got your training with the Gestapo in Berlin. Yeah, yeah, they taught me a couple of things. Tell me, were you in contact with the firm of Krupp when you were in Berlin? Oh, I saw something of them, naturally. And what about Deutsches Farben Industries? A very fine firm. I guess there must be a lot of dough on our side, huh? Oh, but of course, we have the money. The others, they scum. They have their rags on their backs and a few rifles they get from the Bolsheviks. I sure, yeah, but about this money. Yes. Well, you see, the fact is, I'm a little short myself. Well, we always have more work for you to do. Oh, sure, that I know. But first, don't you think that. Ah, so that is why you are so suspicious with me. You want first the money. Well, that's the usual way, ain't it? But, of course, I can arrange that. How much do you want? Well, how much do you figure the job is worth? Well, perhaps as much as 50,000 pesetas. How much is that in the United States? I mean, in pounds. About a thousand pounds? That. Hmm. No, I don't think I can do it for that kind of dough. A thousand pounds is a lot of money, George. Yeah, but think of the expenses. What expenses? Well, things like, uh, well, uh, dynamite, for instance. You don't get that stuff for peanuts. Oh, George, you are teasing me. I will get you all the dynamite you want for nothing. Well, besides that, uh, how about the element of personal risk? This racket ain't exactly the healthiest in the world, neither, you know. There you are right, George. It is a risky profession to be a fascist saboteur. That's what I'm telling you. How much do you want? Well, I don't see how I could play football for less than 100,000 of them pesetas. Very well, we will pay it. Well, that's swell of you, Toots. How soon can I have the dough? I can have it here within an hour. Okay, it's a deal. And then maybe you and me will still have time to go out a little bender, huh? Yes, perhaps we will. And look, make it small bills, will you? They're easier to handle. Oh, it's a lot of money, but my friends and I, we will bring in any suitcase, huh? Well, that's well. Now, one thing more, Elena. Before this next job, you might have to help me get out of the country for a little while. You know, I've got certain arrangements to make. There will be no trouble there, I can assure you. Well, that's a real pal, Elena, and I won't forget it. I know you won't, George. Oh, say there is one thing. Just a little formality, George, so I can be sure to get the money. Oh, certainly, babe, anything you say. Would you write a little note for me so they will know I contacted you? A note? What does the note say? Oh, something like I, Padway, have contacted Elena Vilyankos. We are agreed on future procedure. Oh, dear. Why not? Why have I got to lose? Okay. Here. I have contacted Elena Vilyankos, and we are agreed on future procedure. Signed, George Padway. Okay? Thank you, George. Well, I, Elena, I think you better run along now. Then I will be back at eight o'clock. Okay, that'll be okay. You will be waiting for me? Don't worry, baby. I'll be here. Oh, brother, will I be here? So now, Harry. You can see why I'm practically killing myself laughing while I'm writing you this letter. Of course, while I'm writing that note in Padway's handwriting, I can hardly keep my face straight. It's so right up in the alley. The only thing that worries me a little is my conscience, if you can call what I got that on account of it. It really makes me sort of wait. This fascist mob I'm hooked up with is kicking the rest of the people around. However, I'm up to the years now, too, and I've got to think about yours truly, first of all, right? But someday, maybe when I get in a clear, I figure I'd like to get a crack at these guys myself on account of, believe me, Harry, the. Them fascists is really a bunch of no good crumbs. And I guess that'll have to go for Elena, too. But now the hour's about up, and I think I hear somebody coming down the hall now. So I'll tell you the payoff on all this when I see you in little old New York. In the meantime, Harry, keep your shirt on and try not to die from envy of your old friend, Joe Palmer. Okay, babe, I'm coming. Well, right on time, huh? Yes. Senor Padua, this is Senor Martinez, Senor Contero. Oh, hiya, fellas. I wonder, Senor. Got the old suitcase, huh? Have any trouble getting a dough bag? No, no trouble. Well, maybe we better open it and count it, huh? Just in case. Yes, I think we should. Go on, open it. Yes, senor. You know, Elena, I never would have thought. Hey, wait a minute. What's that tummy gun doing there? Where's the dough? What's the matter? Are you afraid, my fascist friend? Fascist? Well, what about you, ain't you? Not quite. I am an agent of the Republic of Spain, senor Padwe. We have been waiting a long time to trap you, my friend. But now we bring you your reward. Elena, wait a minute. Tell her I gotta put that gun away. You gotta let me explain. Look, I ain't no fascist. Me name ain't even Padway. It ain't even Padway. It's Joe Palmer. I'm an American. I come over here to fight for your side. I'm telling you, Elena, you can find out from your friends in New York. I'm the guy that even killed Padway. Who wrote the letter to me? Who wrote the note for me tonight in the handwriting that we even compared with our other correspondence with Padway? Just to make sure. Well, I did, sure, but that's me racket. Handwriting, forgery. I'm telling you, I'm Joe Palmer. Can you prove it? Well, sure, I could. I guess maybe I can't, huh? The handwriting. It's like I said to Padway. I'm the best in the business. Funny now, wait a minute. We are wasting time. Okay. I suppose there's no use of talking. I suppose I've been a heel and I outsmarted myself. But I was really kind of on a level in my own way towards the end, but. Yeah, what's the difference? Anyway, I want you to know for your own information that the guy you're bumping off is Joe Palmer of the International Brigade. Palmer, like the Palmer. Juan Martinez. Palmer. A smart agent. One must say that for him. Yes, he was. Very, very smart. And so closes The Palmer Method, starring Ed Gardner. Tonight's tale of. Suspense! Before Mr. Gardner returns to our microphone, let me give you a suggestion you will find can add to the success of your next dinner party at home. At one end of the dining table, place a bottle of Roma wine's hearty, full bodied burgundy. At the other table end, place a bottle of Roma wine's delicately delicious sauterne. And then, let each of your guests select the Roma wine to his liking. You will know that whatever the individual choice of a guest, both of these Roma California wines will delight by their superb quality. The quality that has made Roma wines America's largest selling wines. In Roma, you have the old world art of winemaking, plus the extra care, constant tasting and testing. Which modern knowledge adds. While the superb quality of these good Roma wines will win your full accord with the judgment of wine experts of many lands, Roma wines are truly magnificent. Let me repeat the name R O M A, Roma wines, made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. Well, this is Ed Gardner, alias Archie, speaking. It's been a great pleasure to appear on Suspense, and it's one of my favorite programs. This acting serious, of course, is a new kind of a racket with me, especially pretending to be a heel, which I ain't. As anybody can tell you, including Duffy, of course, he'd be more than perturbed to tell you around me the other way. Well, anyways, next week, I know you all want to be listening to Suspense when the star will be Gene Kelly. All right, thank you. Suspense is produced and directed by William Spear. Don't forget, then, next Monday for Gene Kelly in Suspense. Presented by Roma Wines, R O M A, made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.